As a boudoir photographer for more than a decade, I’ve watched women struggle with confidence, with appreciating their own beauty. Particularly women in their 50s have been uncomfortable with the effects of time and gravity. I’m officially 40+, so this is a subject I’m learning more and more about.

So you’re 50+! Maybe you’ve finished raising your children. Maybe you are solidly at the peak of your career. Maybe your marriage is getting some clarification as you’ve grown together or apart. You’ve done it! You’ve accomplished so many goals! But real life takes its toll on your body and skin. Every time you laughed at your baby’s silly giggle, it left its mark. Every time you stayed up late frowning before a big work presentation, it left its mark. Every time you sipped your coffee or kissed your husband, it left its mark. Every time you skipped the gym because you were just too damn tired from real life, it left its mark. Every vacation spent basking in glorious sunshine, it left its mark. Your body and skin is the story of you. Each of these marks is earned and every woman has them and they sneak in little by little.

You pull up TikTok and try out a filter. Ooh… my virtual makeup is flawless! You download an app that lets your tuck the mommy pooch. That seems better. You figure out that blurring your photo means blurring your fine lines and wrinkles. It feels so much better to look at this version of you than the one you see without filters, until it starts to make you feel like the real you just isn’t good enough. The person looking at the photo can’t see your “flaws,” but they also really can’t see you.

Photoshop has been around for decades. Before that, artists would retouch movie stars in the darkroom. But over time… it has evolved from polishing a photo to completely changing a person into an idealistic computer-generated version of beauty.

I photoshop my clients’ photos. I will absolutely admit that. Because no one wants to immortalize the zit that cropped up at the last minute or the bra bulge from a bendy pose. Not in a way that makes that makes them unrecognizable, just in a way that helps them look well-rested and polished. I’m not changing anyone’s bone structure or dropping 40 pounds from her frame. Usually my rule of thumb is to find her most flattering authentic photo and match the retouching to that.

In the last few years, that light polishing isn’t enough for a lot of my 40+ clients. They request drastic changes. They want ultra-smooth skin and a Cindy Crawford body. And I understand why. Women used to only compare themselves to the women in magazines (knowing full well that they’re freaks of nature in the beauty department) and to the peers they saw in person. Then it was comparing themselves to “real” women like Sarah Jessica Parker or Jennifer Lopez who are spending a boat load of money on beauty care or even influencers who would never post an unflattering photo. But now it’s the worst. Women are comparing themselves to a computer generated version of “what I should look like.”

I tried the “bold glamour” TikTok filter that is making huge waves in the media. I’m a fairly confident woman because I see real women every single day who I think are beautiful just the way they are. Mom pooches and all! But even this filter fucked with my head a little. I thought, “Huh… I should really wear heavier makeup with contouring. And maybe some lip filler would actually look good for me.” Then it was like the screeching brakes sound went off in my head. I could pick up some makeup tips for when I really want to dress up and go for a glam look… but I do not want to spend my time contouring my cheeks every day. I do not want to get painful lip injections because I have totally average looking lips. I get Botox for my forehead so I don’t make my angry/concentrating furrowed brow and that hurts badly enough and costs a small fortune.

Part of my Boudoir Bootcamp workbook that goes out to all my clients has an assignment meant to combat this. I did not come up with the idea. The credit goes to my mentor Sue Bryce. Essentially you are required to take a selfie every day for 30 days. No filters. You can choose flattering light. You can put on flattering makeup. But you cannot put a filter on. Just the exposure to seeing your own face over time, will help you learn to at least accept (if not love) the way you look in real life photos. If you’re not booking a boudoir photoshoot, you can get that exercise and 29 more in my 30 Days of Self Love e-book.

I would love to have you in the studio for a photoshoot to show you that you’re more than just a digital version of beauty. You are uniquely beautiful. And if you still want me to photoshop the heck out of your photos… I can do that. But I promise you don’t need it.

The photo below is a self-portrait I took about a year ago. I was loving my wild hair that day. I didn’t have much makeup on, just my Lashify lashes. I didn’t do any of the prep that I guide my clients to do and I couldn’t pose myself as well as I can someone else. It was 100% impromptu. The first image is exactly what it looked like off the memory card. The second is with the light retouching I do for my clients. The third is done to a level you’d see in a filter. Do I look more glamorous in the third photo? Yup. Which photo would I want to capture me? Definitely the second.

Photo 1: